Tears of a Clown

This week I auditioned for Boom Chicago!. The audition, the events leading up to it and the events that followed it were emotionally taxing (as well as financially). I mean, the theater has an exclamation point in its name. This is some serious shit.

The preparation was extensive, the competition stiff and the stakes higher than I have ever experienced before. I weight of all of this hit me like a ton of bricks at Gate A3 as I was sitting in there awaiting my flight home. I didn’t realize what was happening to me until I looked down and noticed that on my lap, my jeans had small wet circles on them. I reached up and felt my face, and realized my eyes had sprung a leak.

I collected myself the best I could and went to the restroom, Larry Craig-style - using a bathroom for something other than pooping. I stood there in the stall and let my self feel it all. I felt every feeling that I had consciously ignored and every feeling that I was too busy to notice I was going through.

Now all of this isn’t as epic as it sounds. I didn’t shake my fist and shout, “Why, God!? Why!?” I was in public restroom for crying out loud. (Pun intended). I just stood there and allowed myself to...stop. Just stop. And for a moment I gave myself permission to not be in control. I told the "together-I-can-do-this-all-by-myself Natasha" to take a break, and I let the "tired-worn out-flailing-insecure-needy-real Natasha" to have a moment.

After what seemed like hours, but what was really only a few minutes, I emerged from the Concourse A woman's room. I looked like I had been hit by a truck.

I get home to DC and in less than a week I hear that I didn't get the gig. And truth be told, I didn't even cry about it. I think I knew in the airport.

Through this whole process, I've learned a ton, and got some validation. Not that I'm one of those people who need validation. But, it's nice to hear from people, who don't know you from dick, recognize your talent in a big way:

1. I got called back. No small feat, as they only called back 16 out of 100 auditionees. And I was the only one out of the 16 not from Chicago.

2. I got a huge ego boost when a former Boom cast member (and current mainstage SC player) asked if I could come in so that Second City could see me for her understudy.

Not so bad after all, huh?

This experience taught me a lot, and humbled me a great deal. I'll definitely give Boom another chance in a year or two.