Get Your Freak On, Pt. 2

Either I give off a certain pheromone or some high-pitched noise that only freaks are privy to, because it never fails. I'll be on the metro and some retard will make it a point to seek me out as if my presence is some siren-song that he can't resist.

All I want to do is: sit on a train, try not to fart and get home safe.

Tonight this weirdo threatened this simple goal. So there I was on the train tonight, minding my own business. I've got the "leave me alone" ear buds in. I'm wearing the "it's cold outside so leave me alone" hat. My eyes are down, in the "seriously, leave me alone" position. And what happens? Some guy in the seat facing mine (who is wearing sun glasses at 11:45 at night I might add), is leaning over in his seat trying to catch my eye. Because my head (and eyes) are down, he leans over so far that he is practically looking under my seat - all in an effort to get my attention.

Now this of course sends me into a gastrointestinal frenzy. I overcompensate and try to "play it cool," which manifests in the most unnatural head-bopping to music (which isn't playing). I finally arrive at my stop and want to show my new best friend that I am unaffected by his lame visual assault. I decide to fake-yawn, only my fake-yawn didn't have any sound. I was so nervous I forgot to make the damn sound. So, as I exited the train I opened my mouth really wide (while bopping my head of course) and slightly, just slightly farted.

Get Your Freak On

For a man to have the slightest chance, to even be considered an Official Crush, he has to be unattainable.

Yes gentleman, step right up.

If you want to be the object of my quiet affection, if you want your name doodled on my notebook, and if you want to have ridiculous expectations thrust upon you every time we communicate - then please be one of the following:

Gay
Married
Taken
Live Far Away (The further the better.)
Disinterested
Distant
Player
Self-Absorbed
Commitmentphobe
Unable to reciprocate affection
Too Cool for School
Famous
Freak
Unintelligible
Annoyed by Me
In a Band (Like on the radio.)
Non-English Speaking

Yes, if you are any of these things and you will be in the running to be my next Official Crush.

I'm just saying...

BLOG WAR!!!!

Some of you who have read my blog may have noticed the absence of something. That thing is douchebaggery.

Sadly, I am being forced to address the worst kind of douchebaggery, the unfunny douchebloggery. I have taken a vow to steer clear of things that call to mind the horror of trying to sit through some unfunny joke. However, I must take a moment to subject you to some of the most trite, self-absorbed, deluded, "comedy" dribble known man.

(un)Welcome to http://www.dccomedy4now.blogspot.com/.

If you are any of the following you might find a use for this "blog":

1. You are a sadomasochist and are looking for a new way to torture yourself.
2. You are angry with a friend and want them to regret being born.
3. You are looking to become celibate and need something to turn you off for the next 10 years.
4. You are drunk and you need something to help you throw up.
5. You ran out of toilet paper and need something to wipe your ass.
(In this case, print a copy or simply poop on your computer).
6. You want to hear about (and from) the hottest comics in DC. In which case, you should visit their site often.


Is it just me, or do all three of these look the same?


(note the douchestache)

WAR ON!!!